I am tired.
I am tired of fighting every day:
my desire to hide
other people’s opinions
my feelings for other people
my negative thoughts that I’m not doing enough as a parent.
But I decided today that I’m just giving in to these things I’m fighting because I think in order to heal, in order to become whole again, in order to be the person I eventually want to be–I have to stop running. And one way I fight is by running away, by closing the door, by keeping it locked.
I am accepting reality the way it is. I am going to stop wishing and dreaming. I am going to be in the NOW and deal with what I have to deal with at this present moment.
I’m also acknowledging that I’m going to make a ton of mistakes–probably more mistakes than I’m going to do things right, and I know that I am not alone, no matter what other people are admitting to in their own lives. We all lose our temper sometimes. We all say things we shouldn’t. We all feel things that are not good for us. We all make choices we wish we wouldn’t have.
For a while, I’ve been blaming a lot of these types of feelings on endometriosis, and one reason is because it does screw with hormones and the regular female cycle. And I do realize that this blame is deserved.
But I also know that I’m stronger than this .I am stronger than some disease that has a hold of my body. I do not have to let it rule my life. I don’t have to say the things that are coming to my lips and blame hormones.
I can control it. But this also makes me tired.
But I would rather be tired at the end of the day because I’m living an authentic life instead of being tired because I am trying to be someone I’m not.