Look To the Western Sky

A blog about single life as a parent & the dreams of a writer by Margo L. Dill

Tag: marriage

Strategies To Save Your Marriage From Divorce

(contributed post)

There are more divorces than marriages in the world. The reasons why this is happening at such a rapid rate are still being studied. Yet if more people are getting divorced, there are still some strategies to attempt before your marriage ends. What can be looked at are some preventative measures. Taking it slow, spending time apart, and working on communication skills may be what you need to save your marriage from divorce. 

Acknowledge the Deterioration

Notice that you raise your voices at each other more and more? In the beginning, these arguments may have been about big things that matter for the whole household, but then it got a bit petty. You started getting annoyed with your partner’s mannerisms. Something about the way they talk or do something quirky made you lash out. Arguing over nothing, but occurring on a regular basis, is a clear sign that it’s really more than just these little things, like the laundry and dishes. Pent-up anger can spiral into one giant ball of frustration. It’s rarely just one thing that sets you off.

So if you’re noticing how you argue day in and day out, and you dread the next time you have to communicate with each other about something important, then it could be time to take a break. You have to acknowledge the deterioration of your relationship before it actually dissolves. If this means you don’t sleep in the same bed together, then make this known and make a decision as to who moves out of the bedroom. Taking a weekend apart from each other and doing different things, so you can clear your mind and have moments of peace, will give you time to think about what’s really bothering you. When you feel as if the tension has calmed down, then you can slowly build communication with each other and address the issues calmly.

Talking it Out

A breakdown in communication can destroy any relationship. But talking to one another does not automatically qualify as understanding one another. So it’s time for some action. Both of you need to talk to each other and set up a time where it’s just you two in the home. Make sure that there is nothing else pressing that needs to be taken care of on that day. It might be helpful to write down your points, so sit down and think carefully about the things that you personally believe are destroying the marriage. When you both meet, remember to be civil and conduct yourselves respectfully. Try to stay on the topics that you have written down. Use I-statements, instead of you. For example, “I feel frustrated when I see you haven’t helped with the kids when I get home from work,” instead of “You never help me with the kids.” 

 Don’t hold back during the discussion because this is your chance to be completely honest . When your partner speaks, be courteous and don’t interrupt; be mindful that you may not like what you hear but allow him or her to finish each point. When you’re both done, you can take a minute to drink some coffee and think over what was said before responding.

 

 

What If It Can’t Be Fixed?

Sometimes, marriages are broken beyond repair. Moving forward with a divorce is a big step in your life. Not only will your children be living new lives, but your financial and marital status will legally change as well. Your children may be lost and trying to figure out why their parents can’t get along. No one prepares you for this moment when you have to explain what divorce is to your children. But Spruce Grove Divorce Lawyers have a great video that goes over the points that you should be covering when talking to your kids. There’s also helpful advice for parents and how they should behave around the children, and this includes how you behave towards each other as soon-to-be former spouses. Children’s lives must continue to be as normal as possible. This includes you and their other parent sharing the responsibilities of everyday life, such as making dinner, doing the laundry, taking them to the doctors, and helping them with homework. In fact, you should enjoy these moments as a custody agreement will have to be reached, and both of you will have to share the time rather than being able to be with your kids whenever you want.

If at all possible, notice the signs of cracks forming in your marriage and take evasive action before it escalates to divorce, if you can help it. Take some time apart from each other. Talk the problems out face to face and be as honest as you can. If you cannot stop the crash, then it’s time to go ahead with a divorce. But don’t allow your kids to be victims of your decision, let them live their lives as they were before as much as possible.

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You Don’t Lose Until You Quit Trying

Today I have this lovely guest post from B. Lynn Goodwin, who wrote the book, Never Too Late: From Wannabe to Wife at 62. A little more about the book and the author is at the bottom of this post!

 

You Don’t Lose Until You Quit Trying

My husband introduced me to his favorite phrase, “You don’t lose until you quit trying” from the driver’s seat of his Mazda back when we were first dating. He used it to tackle business problems, used it when he was dating a woman before me, and still uses it as a reminder that bolsters my confidence.

The only time it didn’t work was when he was dating a woman who loved him but wasn’t “in love” with him. Come to think of it, maybe he did win, because he wouldn’t have found me if she said, “Yes.” We met each other after I met my husband, and she’s glad we’re together.

How does this philosophy work?

If you can’t open the lid on a glass jar, try again. Try harder.

o Put on more pressure as the left hand goes one way and the right another
o Run the lid under hot water
o Look for a tool to help
o If necessary, ask a neighbor with stronger hands to help.
o Eventually the lid will open, and maybe you’ll make a new friend in the process.

If you can’t turn the key that you’ve put in the lock, try again. Still no luck?

o Move your fingers so the pressure on the key is redistributed.
o Take the key out and spray the lock with WD-40.
o Push in against the door and try again.
o Maybe even ask for help?

Both are real-life scenarios. I’ve used my husband’s hands and my next-door neighbor’s screw-top opener to get a lid off a jar of caramel sauce so I could finish making a dump cake. I’ve twisted a key in the lock of an old sticky door near the bay, and when nothing worked, I knocked on the back door. Trying differently often solves the problem.

“You don’t lose until you quit trying” is meant to inspire people. Make the philosophy work for you and let it help you examine alternate methods for getting what you want. Here’s one more example.

How does a 62-year-old woman who’s never been married use this philosophy with a two-time widower seeking his third wife on . . . Craigslist?

You’ll know if you read Never Too Late: From Wannabe to Wife at 62. It’s available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and in Indie Bookstores, who can order the book through Ingram.

Our best advertisement is word of mouth. If you like the story, please tell your friends and colleagues. Want to do more? One or two sentences on Amazon, telling people why you recommend the book, would be fabulous.

And why am I promoting my book here? Because you don’t lose until you quit trying.
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B. Lynn Goodwin owns Writer Advice, www.writeradvice.com. Her memoir, Never Too Late: From Wannabe to Wife at 62, was just released by Koehler Press.

She’s written You Want Me to Do WHAT? Journaling for Caregivers and Talent, which was short-listed for a Literary Lightbox Award, won a bronze medal in the Moonbeam Children’s Book Awards and was a finalist for a Sarton Women’s Book Award.

Goodwin’s work has appeared in Voices of Caregivers, Hip Mama, Dramatics Magazine, Inspire Me Today, The Sun, Good Housekeeping.com, Purple Clover.com and many other places. She is a reviewer and teacher at Story Circle Network, and she is an editor, writer and manuscript coach at Writer Advice.

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