Look To the Western Sky

A blog about single life as a parent & the dreams of a writer by Margo L. Dill

Tag: endometriosis

Five Weeks Later: After the Hysterectomy

As I’ve shared before, I had a hysterectomy at the end of September because I suffered from endometriosis. I thought I would give an update on how things are going and some thoughts about the hysterectomy for those of you who happen upon this page because you had one or are planning to have one.

What was the worst?

Hands down, the worst part of the hysterectomy was the first 12 hours after it was over because of the gas pains. When having a robotic-assisted laparoscopic hysterectomy, gas may be pumped into your belly to inflate it and give your surgeon a better view and more room to work. This happened to me. Turns out, although there was some pain with the actual removal of my female parts, most of the unbearable pain, which pain medicine did not help, was from  this gas being in my body. Since I also had a catheter, I couldn’t get up and walk around. Finally, a nurse explained to me what was going on (the next morning!) and gave me some GasX, and I walked around the hospital once the catheter was removed–then, it was so much better. So, if you are having this same procedure, talk to your doctor about the gas and the nursing staff about GasX.

Did I need a week to recover before going back to work?

Yes. I also feel like if I didn’t work from home, I might have needed 10 days off or to go back to work half days. You will be tired. You will still have some pain. You had major surgery. And in today’s world, we seem to not give ourselves enough time to heal from anything.

qtq80-fnKjgOHow do I feel now?

So, it’s been 5 weeks. I go back to the doctor on Tuesday for my final checkup before I am supposed to resume normal activity. In the last couple days, I have felt more like myself. But in general, I can’t imagine I am going to resume “normal activity” by Friday. I am still so tired. If I overdo it, I still have a bit of pain or discomfort. I think this is perfectly normal and will discuss it with my doctor at my visit, of course. Someone just said to me today, “It may take you 6 weeks on the outside, but just remember it can take up to 6 months on the inside.” I have some smart, smart friends. I have had  a lot of trouble with my appetite, which I’m told is also normal because well, I HAD MAJOR SURGERY!

What about my hormones?

Since I had a full hysterectomy, I am doing hormone replacement therapy. Currently, I have an estrogen patch I wear and change every 3-4 days. I think I’m still adjusting. I think I need some clarification on if there are better places to place it than others. I have a lot of stress in my life; one week during this recovery, I felt a bit like I did when I was suffering from endometriosis and my hormones were all out of whack. But this past week, I’ve felt much more in control and stable–so I’ll talk to the doctor about this, too.

To sum up, I’m glad, so glad, I had this surgery. Once everything gets back to “normal”, I have high hopes that I will feel better. I will be more like myself. I will have survived this patch in my life and come out stronger.

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Why I’m Choosing to Have a Hysterectomy

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Reasons to Feel Better

Later this month, I’m having a hysterectomy (ovaries too). When I tell people, there are many reactions: but mostly, they want to know: How do you feel about this? Are you okay with it? I look at them and think: I’m 45. I’m not married. I have a beautiful child (and was a part of my stepson’s life for years), and my periods and hormones are through the roof.

Yes, I’m okay with it.

But to be honest, sometimes it freaks me out.

I guess most women have trouble saying: I am done having kids (or even: I don’t want to have any children of my own). Is it because of our maternal instincts? Is it because of the nosy people who say: Are you sure? or Is it the disapproving look from another woman, even if it’s brief and she didn’t mean to do it? I don’t know. I don’t know what it is. But even though I’m 45, not married, and done having children, if I think too much about this hysterectomy, it overwhelms me.

My uterus and ovaries do not make me a woman. A breast cancer survivor who has a double mastectomy is not less of a woman–she’s probably stronger than anyone knows or gives her credit for. It’s so psychological–removing the “female parts” for health reasons–and hard to explain.

But in my case, a hysterectomy is the way to go. I’m suffering from endometriosis (cysts) and adenomyosis. Neither one of these are controlled with birth control pills with high levels of estrogen I’m currently taking. I wound up in the hospital in late April from the pain of a ruptured cyst and had endometriosis and cysts removed. It’s all back. In August, I was in so much pain, I had to go to my GP to get pain medication and a pelvic ultrasound. This disease makes me exhausted and causes my hormones to go crazy. On a daily basis, I’m not sure of my feelings or even my real personality. I am a single mother with a full time job, elderly parents, and a part time writing/editing/teaching job, plus friends and family to pay attention to. I don’t want to feel how I feel any longer.

So I’m choosing to have a hysterectomy and go through hormone replacement therapy because that is the only choice I feel I have at this time and what is best for everyone in my life, including me.

If you landed on this page because you suffer from endometriosis, please know you are not alone. Because I was so tired (also had anemia due to heavy bleeding several days a month) and felt like I was losing my mind some days, I decided to Google: “How endometriosis affects your emotions.” You wouldn’t believe the amount of information there is on this. That’s why I’m writing this post: whether you are in child bearing years and going through infertility worries or older and having pain with your endometriosis, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Go find a doctor you trust, tell your friends and family what is going on, and figure out how to get some help.

You deserve it.

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Tired

I am tired.

I am tired of fighting every day:

my emotions

my desire to hide

other people’s opinions 

my feelings for other people

my negative thoughts that I’m not doing enough as a parent.

I’m tired.

But I decided today that I’m just giving in to these things I’m fighting because I think in order to heal, in order to become whole again, in order to be the person I eventually want to be–I have to stop running. And one way I fight is by running away, by closing the door, by keeping it locked.

I am accepting reality the way it is. I am going to stop wishing and dreaming. I am going to be in the NOW and deal with what I have to deal with at this present moment.

I’m also acknowledging that I’m going to make a ton of mistakes–probably more mistakes than I’m going to do things right, and I know that I am not alone, no matter what other people are admitting to in their own lives. We all lose our temper sometimes. We all say things we shouldn’t. We all feel things that are not good for us. We all make choices we wish we wouldn’t have.

For a while, I’ve been blaming a lot of these types of feelings on endometriosis, and one reason is because it does screw with hormones and the regular female cycle. And I do realize that this blame is deserved.

But I also know that I’m stronger than this .I am stronger than some disease that has a hold of my body. I do not have to let it rule my life. I don’t have to say the things that are coming to my lips and blame hormones.

I can control it. But this also makes me tired.

But I would rather be tired at the end of the day because I’m living an authentic life instead of being tired because I am trying to be someone I’m not.

 

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