One day, when I was feeling upset, I wrote this Facebook status:
A very wise person said to me: the only thing that is wrong with you is wondering what is wrong with you. I am done apologizing for who I am. There, I said it. Please hold me to this. I’m counting on you. We should all feel this way. I think anyone who has been through big life changes–divorce, parenting, breakups, marriage, job, death–you can lose yourself and wonder what is wrong with you. I am also a people pleaser, so I wonder if I even know who I am…
As soon as something goes wrong in my life, my thinking is: what’s wrong with me or what did I do wrong? This is not helpful thinking. Sure, it’s always good to assess situations and learn from them, and I’m sure that often mistakes are made–by both parties. But I can really obsess like the best of them over things like:
- I texted first one too many times.
- I wore the wrong shoes.
- I talked to strangers.
- I wanted to sing karoke.
- I get up at 5:30 am.
- I like plans and schedules and calendars.
We can become so obsessed over minor, unimportant details that make up who we are. I do this all the time. Yes, I like to binge watch terrible shows. No, I don’t like to only drink beer. Yes, I can be loud and interrupt people. No, I don’t like to go out without make-up on. We are all made up of wonderful, interesting, annoying, and quirky personality traits that someone won’t like. We find ourselves apologizing for these. (I do anyway.) We wonder why we can’t be perfect, like Friend A or Acquaintance B. And I’m stressing the word, WE, because when I put this Facebook post up, it received a lot of comments, many were from people who were feeling the same.
” I had a friend yesterday tell me that I need to believe in myself more and be confident in my skill. She’s right.”
“I had a similar UGH moment a couple weeks ago! https://www.homewithkristen.com/new-blog/2017/6/21/you-do-you ”
“Thanks for this. I was at an event last night and started really feeling insecure and self-doubting. Just felt like a total loser compared to the other people there. Self-esteem today was so low, and I texted a friend to try to feel better. She reminded me that everyone else at that event also has demons to battle, scars they hide, and their own problems, even if it didn’t show last night. Sometimes you just need that reminder that NOBODY is perfect, and everyone has issues.”
Why do we do this to ourselves?
Social media does not help with this issue because most of us share ONLY our glory moments. Sure, I’ll share my cute daughter at the state fair or her first day of school, but not so much sharing when she’s having a major meltdown over an art project. And everyone’s an expert these days with headlines, like: 10 Ways to Get a Guy. How to Be a Great Friend. Lose Weight Without Trying. And so on…look at the bio on some of these writers–they might have some good ideas, but they have zero qualifications to be an expert OR to tell you that anything is wrong with you!
I’m not advocating that we don’t self-assess, try to improve or work on making our relationships the best they can possibly be. But while we are doing that, we must also practice self-love and that includes STOPPING the insanity of apologizing for who you are. And I’m going to go one step further and include: stop apologizing for who your kids/family are too. We are who we are. NO ONE is perfect. Everyone has issues. The only thing you really need to apologize for is: if you stop learning, growing, and working towards becoming a better version of the almost-perfect self you are now.
That’s my two cents. I’m going to step off my soap box now.